POYAMORY: A PRESCRIPTION FOR PEACE?

POYAMORY: A PRESCRIPTION FOR PEACE?

By Veronica Monet

[Kennebec Entertainment is proud to introduce Guest Blogger, Veronica Monet, our dear friend from California who has provided guidance and insight in the development of two of our movie properties, Burning Memory and Valhalla.

Veronica is a sex educator, a relationship expert and a nationally known anti-violence advocate. A Certified Sexologist, she has extensive media credits including CNN, CNBC, A&E, ABC’s 20/20, FOX and Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect. Veronica is an author and psychology graduate from Oregon State University.]

It may sound pretentious to make such grandiose claims about one’s romantic life.  “Make love not war” was the battle cry of the 1960’s but in our more “sophisticated” decade, such slogans are viewed as trite and naive. Nowadays, most people would rather devote their energies to the accumulation of wealth and/or possessions than spend two seconds contemplating solutions for the violence which plagues our planet. 

            It is an understandable apathy.  After all, rape, murder and war seem to have been with us forever.  They have been chronicled in the pages of the Bible and at times celebrated in our modern movies.  Violence seems like an inevitable aspect of human existence.  But not everyone agrees. 

            When asked about the origins of human violence, non-violent communication expert Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D responded: “. . . violence has been the social norm for about eight thousand years.  That’s when a myth evolved that the world was created by a heroic, virtuous male god who defeated an evil female goddess.”

[Beyond Good & Evil: Marshall Rosenberg on Creating a Nonviolent World by Dian Killian in Open Exchange Magazine January-March 2007, Issue #176]

            The idea that we could eliminate violence through goddess worship or at least a healthy respect for all things feminine is not a new concept.  The mid ‘70’s and early ‘80’s were defined by a plethora of books proclaiming the “return of the goddess.”  Patriarchy was blamed for our violent culture and some believed that a female president could lead us to peace.  During the election year in 2008, we saw a resurgence of such claims in support of Hilary Clinton’s bid for the presidency. 

            However, a female president probably won’t contribute to creating a less violent world. In fact, women in power in our modern world tend to utilize the same solutions accessed by their male counterparts.  And females who aspire to positions of power in our current culture are often expected to jettison any behavior which does not conform to patriarchal paradigms such as the use of force.

            In the same article cited above, Rosenberg, who completed his PhD in clinical psychology at the University of Wisconsin in 1961 is quoted as claiming that clinical psychology actually contributes to the conditions that cause violence, because it categorizes people and thus distances them from each other.  This is a view that I share although my credentials are far less impressive (I have only a Bachelor of Science in Psychology).  But I view the field of Psychology as only one of a multitude of cultural structures which support violence.

            Of course, no one sets out to create a culture of violence (unless perhaps you have stock in Halliburton).  Yet violence remains the most persistent and problematic aspect of living on this planet.

            In 2002, The World Report on Violence and Health (the first comprehensive report of its kind to address violence as a global public health problem) announced that violence kills more than 1.6 million people every year.  “The death and disability caused by violence make it one of the leading public health issues of our time. . . . On an average day, 1,424 people are killed in acts of homicide, almost one person every minute. Roughly one person commits suicide every 40 seconds. About 35 people are killed every hour as a direct result of armed conflict.”

[www.who.int/mediacentre/news/releases/pr73/en/]

            For as long as there have been humans to record history, humans have pondered solutions to violence.  Superstition, taboos, rules, codes of conduct and laws have been variously employed and enacted in an attempt to curb what is often considered one of our baser “animal” instincts. 

            Competition for resources is often indicted as a root cause of violence and the facts would seem to support this assertion.  A popular motive for murder is money.  And of course sexual jealousy is also the motivating factor for many murders.  Rape is an attempt to obtain power over another person in a sexual context.  The rapist views the rape victim as a resource in several repugnant respects. Wars are almost always about access to resources whether those resources are land, water rights, food, raw materials for manufacturing and fuel, or technologically advanced weapons.

            If we study the other living organisms on this planet, competition for resources and the resulting violence does indeed appear to be inevitable and unavoidable.  Males of the same species fight for the right to procreate – sometimes to the death.  Females of a given species tend to hold little sway given their smaller size and inferior physical strength.  Forced sexual interaction (we don’t call it rape for some strange reason) can be commonplace in some species.

            Jane Goodall went to live with the Chimpanzees hoping to escape human violence.  Imagine her horror when her much loved Chimpanzees declared a four-year war on a neighboring Chimpanzee tribe.  If you haven’t read up on Chimpanzee violence, you might be in for a rude awakening as well.  Chimpanzees suffer from both murder and war and can be quite bloodthirsty about both (literally drinking the blood of their enemies).

            But I didn’t write this article to discourage you so early in the new millennium.  An innovative and intelligent group of individuals has already solved the most pervasive and persistent problem plaguing the human race.

            Finally, an established culture has proven that we no longer need to live with rape, murder or war.  These revolutionary individuals live right here on planet earth!

            So why haven’t you heard about this non-violent society and their amazingly effective blueprint for peace?

            You may have heard about them.  A few folks I have polled in my workshops and lectures have heard about this rare culture but only as a curiosity – a passing fancy.  In fact this prescription for peace is source for quite a bit of snickering and laughter.  Given the resulting success in eradicating violence I have to admit I find this response shocking to say the least.

            Well, it’s actually more frustrating than shocking.  You see the solution to violence turns out to be a collection of some of our earlier musings on the topic combined with something unexpected – sex.

            There are three primary reasons this recently discovered antidote to violence has so far existed in obscurity or been reduced to a joke.  First, the world’s taboos surrounding sex are so powerful that even if you tell people they can eradicate violence, they will reject a sexual solution.  Better to stay a violent culture than to violate sexual taboos.

            Second, the cure for violence DOES involve respect for the feminine.  In fact, it requires a complete restructuring of our current patriarchal systems and hierarchal paradigms.  Turns out that non-violence thrives in a society where women are accorded respect and authority.  But we are NOT talking about a hierarchal power structure.  Instead, it is defined by a series of “checks and balances” which should be a familiar concept to those of us who pride ourselves as living in democracies.  What is new about this system of checks and balances is that females are included and accorded equal sway.

            However, simply replacing a male leader with a female leader won’t accomplish any major shifts in patterns of violence.  That is simply putting a different set of gonads on the same “animal.”  No, real change requires a complete restructuring of our current system.  Our current system is founded on the concept of “power over” while the system which has been proven non-violent, utilizes sex to calm aggressive impulses and bond community members.

            And the third reason you haven’t heard this path to peace championed on all the major news networks is this – the culture in question is not human.  Our peaceful role models are in fact the Bonobos who share more DNA with humans than any other living creature.  But they are not human and apparently humans are not as smart as they are purported to be.  Rather than enthusiastically embrace solutions, humans would rather adhere to an ancient and strict set of protocols: humans do not learn from animals nor attempt to emulate them.  Quite the contrary, we expend a great deal of energy trying to distinguish and distance ourselves from all the other life forms on this planet.

            So the bottom line is this – the only living model for non-violence in primates is found in the Bonobo. But because the solutions involve sex and female centric culture - and the individuals who are modeling this successful behavior are not the primates known as humans – the solution may never be employed.

            Of course many primatologists, such as Richard Carroll who is also the director of World Wildlife Fund's Central Africa program, find the peaceful ways of the Bonobo endearing:  "Bonobos are fascinating creatures and little understood. They have the only great ape society led by females, with a sophisticated social structure that encourages cooperation and peace and settles disputes through sex. . .

            “Bonobos live in matriarchal societies that reinforce cooperation, and unlike male-dominated chimpanzee troops, exhibit little aggression toward each other. The species resolves conflict through sex, a behavior not found in other primates and one that strengthens group cohesion.”

[December 9, 2004 Press Release from the World Wildlife Fund

http://www.commondreams.org/news2004/1209-07.htm]

            Noted primatologist, Frans B. M. de Waal, highlights the crucial social organization which facilitates Bonobo non-violence: “In both Bonobos and chimpanzees, males stay in their natal group, whereas females tend to migrate during adolescence. . .  A chief difference between chimpanzee and Bonobo societies is the way in which young females integrate into their new community. On arrival in another community, young Bonobo females . . .  single out one or two senior resident females for special attention, using frequent GG rubbing. . .”

            GG rubbing stands for Genito-Genital rubbing which is carried out thus: one female faces another female and clings with arms and legs to her partner who is standing on both hands and feet and lifts her off the ground. “The two females then rub their genital swellings laterally together, emitting grins and squeals. . . Sex thus smoothes the migrant's entrance into the community of females, which is much more close-knit in the Bonobo than in the chimpanzee.”

[Bonobo Sex and Society: The Behavior of a Close Relative Challenges Assumptions about Male Supremacy in Human Evolution by Frans B. M. de Waal

(http://www.primatesworld.com/bonobos.html - originally published in the March 1995 issue of Scientific American, pp. 82-88)] 

            While most of the people who study primates would never suggest that humans should emulate a successful adaptation, the authors of Demonic Males, anthropologists Richard Wrangham and Dale Peterson do exactly that.   They believe the Bonobo provides a model of nonviolence which humans are capable of following.  By organizing human societies with women in positions of power, Wrangham and Peterson believe the aggression in men can be contained.  Although this may in fact be a way to keep male aggression in check, it presupposes that men are genetically predisposed toward violence.  Not all scientists or scholars agree upon this premise.

            Riane Eisler, author of the bestselling book, The Chalice and the Blade, believes that peace is a function of social structure – not a genetic predisposition.  As a path to peace, she recommends a “partnership model,” in which gender is not associated with either inferiority or superiority.  According to Eisler, our current culture of violence is the by product of “the dominator model” of human society which seeks to assert gendered hierarchies with winners and losers.  She also believes that placing value on women entails placing value on their biological ability to produce life which in turn leads to a non-violent approach to conflict resolution.

            Referring once again to the only primate culture currently on this planet which has succeeded in creating a non-violent society, the Bonobos exhibit a constellation of behaviors which suggest that both arguments may hold some sway.  At this point, it cannot be said conclusively whether female Bonobos have found a way to keep male violence in check or if the Bonobo social structure inhibits violence in both males and females with a simple substitution of sex.  No doubt, the answer lies somewhere in between. 

            But regardless of how much of the solution is inhibition of a real or imagined propensity for violence in males and how much is sexual substitution of aggressive impulses in both genders, it seems obvious that several factors have led to the non-violent Bonobo societies, including female bonding, female authority or gender equality (which is still disputed) bisexuality, non-procreative sex, sexual substituting, sexual stress reduction, resource sharing and a more polyamorous social structure.

            Bonobo society is polyamorous – not promiscuous – because sex forms deep emotional bonds for the Bonobo.  Sex is the glue which holds Bonobo tribes together and facilitates friendly relations with potentially competing tribes.  Bonobos also invest a great deal of energy in the pursuit and perfection of pleasure.  In fact, lovemaking involves a great deal of face to face contact and deep eye gazing.  If a Bonobo’s sexual partner does not return the intense eye gazing or otherwise indicate sexual enjoyment, the partner who IS enjoying the sex will nevertheless stop.  Bonobo’s study the faces of their lovers looking intently for signs of pleasure and emotional connection. If those are lacking, sex is of little interest in most cases.

            And as a final word on our friends, the Bonobos, I offer this from the The Bonobo Conservation Initiative website:

“Bonobos stand as a flagship, not only for conservation of the Congo rainforest, but also for Peace in the DRC - and globally. Bonobos exemplify how society can be successfully organized through cooperation and sharing of resources, as opposed to competition, territoriality and violence (as demonstrated by our other closest primate relatives, the male-dominated chimpanzees). Further, Bonobos show how love - and love-making - can ease tensions and keep the peace.”

[http://www.bonobo.org/peace.html]

            It is my sincere belief that peaceful, non-violent existence is possible for humans as well as Bonobos.  And I’m not alone.  Janet Kira Lessin, author of Polyamory: Many Loves - The Polytantric Lovestyle, is convinced that sexual repression leads to violence. She believes humankind will transcend violence and end war once it learns to honor individual choice regarding sex. For Lessin, polyamory represents “a positive, passionate path to peace.”

            As a species, we humans can take a break from feeling self-satisfied about our technological advancements and practice enough humility to learn valuable lessons from other life forms – especially a species so closely related to our own as the Bonobos.  We can shelve our archaic taboos surrounding sexuality and forge into the future with a new relationship to our erotic selves.  We can stop laughing and snickering long enough to dream of being more than we are now even if our road to enlightenment takes an unexpected turn.

            “Until we attend to and accomplish our own sexual healing, the World; the actual physical Earth we live upon, cannot have our conscious attention. Sexual Healing is now the existential responsibility of every human who is interested in having human evolution be a part of the Earth's future.”

[From Teri Ciacchi MSW in TerraFire Academy of Aphrodisiacal Living Newsletter,

www.terrafire.org]

            In fact, if we learn anything from our friends the Bonobos, it may be that an aversion to sex as expressed in our sex negative attitudes actually leads to violence.  Why sex should be so suspect in the year 2010 is a mystery to me.  Sex is why you and I are here.  Sex is not a peripheral subject.  Sex is not tangential to the rest of our lives.  Sex is at the center of being.  And it should come as no surprise that some of our most stubborn problems will find their solutions in the sexual arena. 

copyright Veronica Monet 2007